You need not be a human doormat to be liked…

Photo credit: iStock – Lugnava

You don’t need to be a human doormat to be liked. Human doormats are upright cousins to “Welcome” doormats in entryways. While human doormats seek is the self-love they haven’t opened from inside.

I was a human doormat for quite awhile. When I was threadbare, I took my tattered self to therapy. I didn’t want to be rewoven. I wanted to find the real, unvarnished, thoughtful self-understanding and Twain-like wit I’d locked inside. I’d hidden those traits so deeply in my brain’s mistrust that the locks were rusty, and cobwebs were tangling my sense of self-worth.

Common ties for human doormats are a desire to be liked

We say “yes” to invitations we know hold no interest for us. Human doormats are often “people-pleasers.” Go along to get along. Pretend interests in areas you know you don’t give a fig about. Don’t share much about yourself, as you’ve yet to find yourself interesting.

For women, and perhaps men of a certain era, the message was: get married, settle down, have children. Get society’s stamp of approval. I was married, for one year. I knew the allegiance was doomed from the start. I really married his parents. He was domineering, both sizewise and in his mental mindset. I wasn’t used to being told what to do, nor had I the slightest interest in being a farmer’s wife. He thought everything was fine. I said I wanted a divorce. My “NO” should have happened shortly after we met.

Human doormats can crave highly-structured lives

With every minute structured, there’s little time to consider one’s own wants and needs. During my working life, I filled up my time with tasks to accomplish. While I’ve always been a hungry reader, I never delved into hobbies until later in life. I have several friends who panic at the thought of retirement. They can’t stand to be idle. They have few outside interests or hobbies. All that work takes its toll at some point.

We all need mental health days

Times when we’re off the clock, open to exploring something new in the community, a long neighborhood stroll or walk in the woods, kayaking on a river — no agenda, except sheer enjoyment. Until lately I put off trying new interests because I wasn’t sure I’d be any good at it. Everything doesn’t have to be a competition. Being curious and adventuresome can bolster mental curiosity and physical stamina.

A wise friend said: “If something or someone doesn’t add value to your life, what keeps you invested?” I joined a group interested in building a tiny homes community for the homeless. After 10 months, we were no further along than when we started. I realized this was not adding value to my life and I resigned. I still wish them well.

Don’t worry about getting muddy

I no longer mind not pleasing everyone. I turn down invitations that don’t align with my interests. That doesn’t mean I reject new opportunities outright. I learn more about myself by engaging in new experiences. I just don’t sign on the dotted line until I’m certain this activity or group will add value to my life. You don’t have to wait to stop being a doormat for others. It begins inside, with self-respect and loving yourself.

Clearly communicate your needs, and listen and learn from life experiences of others. Mind-readers are an illusion. Love who you are as an individual and resist trying to change others. Realize that human doormats are eventually cast aside.

You’re welcome to leave a comment here.